Crying
by Staz
Summary: Crying can be a release. Especially if there's someone to wipe the tears away.


Disclaimer: Don't own nothin', won't earn nothin'.

A/N: I don't know what came over me, I'm supposed to be studying now...

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I know crying is good. Sure, people say it all the time – it's good to cry, let it out, don't keep all those negative emotions bottled up inside. So I'm crying. Actually, weeping is a better description.

My breaths are coming out in short gasps.

Heat is building in my face.

Tears are collected in the corner of my eyes till they overflow and wet the skin of my cheeks.

I think I'm actually working facial muscles I've never worked before judging from their ache. I haven't cried in a long while. I don't really make it a habit to cry, I actually try to steer clear and avoid it altogether.

Maybe that's why.

I simply don't know, and the irritation of not knowing is almost enough to make me stop crying. Almost. I have no idea why I'm crying. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today or in the last few days. Everything's pretty much the same. I'm not unhappy or depressed for any specific reason. Life is moving along at a normal pace and I'm moving with it. And yet here I am, sitting at my desk, head on my arm, crying my eyes out. What the hell is the matter with me!

I focus a bleary gaze back on my computer. I was working on my building's project. I had a talk with my landlord almost a year ago and somehow allowed myself to be manipulated into volunteering to head a new project he's thought of – something about making the building more fun to live in. I figured I would also benefit from it so there would be no harm in helping. I had gotten in over my head.

So I was in the middle of organizing information I received from the other tenants when Harm called. We had a fun talk about nothing particular, he just called to say he got back from his investigation and told me a bit about it. He'd met some very interesting people, mostly women, naturally.

Somewhere in the middle of that conversation the stinging behind my eyes began. He was in a talkative mood so hiding an occasional sniffling wasn't hard, and then he made me laugh so crying wasn't even an issue.

But then, minutes after placing the phone back in its cradle the sobs came without warning.

I realize gratefully that the tears have stopped and my breathing is normal once again, now that I'm back to analyzing myself to death. Any logical person would say that my crying has something to do with Harm, since it was while talking to him that the need to cry surfaced. But what could possibly make me cry now that hadn't in the years we've known each other? Why now?

Am I just too tired to control my emotions right now? I mean, it _has_ been a long day and my nerves _were_ frying over the stupid project on the side but I've been under pressure before and talking to him never made me cry.

It's probably just the amount of time that's passed since the last time I shed any tears in a good cry. Yeah, a single tear here or there and a suppressed sob don't do much to alleviate the pain deep inside. I just had this cry coming for a while and didn't let it out until now.

Nevertheless, Harm must've been a contributing factor. I haven't seen him or talked to him in a while and I missed him. I even went as far as admitting that to him. Granted it was covered by a joke but I think he got the message. In his own way, Harm admitted the same in telling me he'd wanted to call me several times over the time he'd been away but his days ended when it was the middle of the night for me and he didn't want to wake me.

I, of course, told him in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to call me he could at any hour since I don't sleep much anyways and it would be nice to hear his voice. If he assimilated anything from this conversation, I'm hoping it was this little detail. More than once I've found myself lying in bed in the small hours of the night, wishing I could just pick up the phone and talk to him.

So I was crying because I'm tired and haven't cried in a while and Harm brought up certain emotions. I can deal with that.

Satisfied with my scrutiny and its conclusion, I wipe my face of any lingering wetness and turn my full attention back to the screen.

After 10 minutes of staring at the words and trying to will them into sentences I have to concede that nothing is going to get my full attention anymore tonight.

Coffee, that'll do the trick. Coffee and something with a lot of sugar, preferably some form of chocolate.

Set with a mug of hot coffee and a small bag of M&M's I found tucked away in a cabinet, I settle cross legged on the couch and turn on the TV. There's nothing like mindless sitcoms to take your mind off anything and everything. Thinking is overrated anyways.

Three episodes of "Friends" later I'm in a much better mood. As the third commercial break in the past 15 minutes starts I'm still chuckling over some stupid stint Chandler pulled and I hear a knock on my door. If it's my landlord about the project again I'm quitting.

A quick check in the peephole reveals a pleasant surprise.

"Hey, I thought you were gonna crash for the night." I open the door wide.

"Nice to see you too, Mac." Harm is grinning at me. I smile back and instinctively (I can't explain it any other way) pull him into a hug. The hug lasts a few seconds too long and I feel the sting buzz its way back. Oh, no you don't! I pull away just in time to compose myself and walk quickly over to the couch, leaving Harm to close the door and follow me if he so chooses.

"You really missed me?"

It's the tone of his voice that makes me look up at his tall figure, still standing near the door. There's a touch of uncertainty and a hint of wonder in it that pull a string in the back of my mind. Shaking myself out of the momentary stupor, I hope my calm, honest smile is enough to alleviate any doubts.

"Of course I did."

Seemingly satisfied with my answer, he moved to sit on the couch facing me and gives me a look I can't quite decipher. When I reach for the remote to switch off the TV he makes a thoughtful sort of hum.

"Yes?" What's he up to now, I wonder.

"I didn't know you were partial to sitcoms." He's come all this way late at night after an exhausting, long investigation to comment on my TV watching preferences? Hmmm... an anomaly...

"I needed to give my brain a break, nothing like TV for turning your brain to mush for a while." I answer honestly, still trying to figure him out. "So, how come you're not into your second dream for the night?" I eventually decide to just be blunt for once.

He shrugs, never taking his eyes off of mine. A little uncomfortable under his burning gaze, I fidget slightly and try to find something to say.

"Would you like something to drink?"

He shakes his head no but still won't talk. What gives?

"So, you've come to stare me down, is that it?" I try to joke it out of him. Nope, Mr. Rock won't even move a muscle this time. I could try to tickle him... but I'm actually quite baffled by this behavior, I don't think I want to do something like that without the slightest idea of how he'd react.

Suddenly and miraculously he whirs to life with a comment that almost made me fall over to the floor. "Have you been crying?"

"Wha- what?" I swallow hard. I couldn't still have puffy eyes two hours after the fact, could I? Belatedly, I realize I just answered without answering and Harm realized that before me. To add to it all, the stinging is back. Just wonderful.

"Mac, what's wrong?" Oh, I really, and I mean really, don't want to go there right now.

"Nothing." I cross my arms over my chest in an automatic defensive gesture. Following a few minutes of loud silence I look over at him and find his eyes still on me, going straight through me. The bubble bursts without any warning.

"What, Harm? What?" I practically bound off the couch. "What do you want me to say? That I don't know what's wrong? That I heard your voice and it made me cry because I missed you and I was tired and I wished you were here? Would that satisfy you enough so that you'd stop staring at me as if I was some stupid puzzle!" to my chagrin the sting had once again without my consent developed into tears and silent sobs. "Fine, I admit it, I cried, I'm human, shit happens. You happy?"

Through the tears I register his panicked expression. Great, he must really think I've bounced off the wall.

"Mac, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Harm stands and makes a step in my direction. This is so messed up. I can't do this.

"Save it, Harm! I don't want your pity!" I'm not exactly proud of it, but I pretty much ran from him to my room and curled up on the bed. I'm sure he'll take the hint and leave me alone. I'll apologize tomorrow and blame it on a tear in the space-time continuum.

Legs pressed tightly against my stomach I focus on taking deep measured breaths. I'm not crying this time, I think I'm set to go a long time without crying once again. Those last tears in front of Harm were just the aftershock of that first earthquake earlier tonight, I'm alright now. Yup, I'll just keep telling myself that.

10 minutes later I decide I've calmed down enough. I should probably lock up and turn in for the night, though sleep won't come for a while now. I didn't hear Harm leaving, but he probably locked up after him, having that deeply ingrained paranoia of his. I'll just go check.

I roll to a sitting position and take a few more deep breaths. With a final sigh I get up and turn to head back to the living room. One step is all I can manage to take before I stumble and fall sideways back to the bed.

"Ha-Harm?" What's with my stuttering tonight? Must be a side affect of crying.

He's standing there against the doorpost, eyes somewhat downcast. Had he been standing there all along? Dear god in heaven, make this hell of a night end already!

"I don't pity you, Mac." He states quietly and takes a tentative step into the room. I hope it's his turn to do the talking, I don't know how coherent I can be right now.

"I thought I heard you sniffling a bit over the phone, something in your voice. I wanted to make sure you were okay... that's why I came. And I missed you too." He added after a moment.

I dig the heels of my palms into my eye sockets, trying to fend off another aftershock. "I can't do this." The words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Can't do what, Mac?" I can tell he's come closer. And my hands drop to my lap in resignation.

"All of this, I just-" Words escape me. Harm's now sitting beside me on the bed but I won't meet his eyes.

"Would it help at all to know that I cried over you once too?" He utters quietly and my head shoots up, but this time his eyes are evasive.

"What?" Maybe I heard wrong.

"Once, when I managed to convince myself I'd lost you completely and forever." His eyes flicker up to mine for the briefest moment and I swear my heart stopped. He's telling the truth. A thousand questions pop into my mind. When had he managed to convince himself of that? Had he really cried or just let out a few deep heartfelt sighs? Why didn't he tell me?

As he sends me another brief glance my mind draws a blank and I draw him into a much needed hug for both of us.

His arms tighten around me and I hold on just as tight. We stay like that for long minutes, just drawing strength. I feel his arms go a bit slack and I relax my grip accordingly, but I'm not ready to let go altogether. I rest my head on his shoulder and stare at the wall.

"See, this was how it was supposed to go before the yelling and crying." Harm decides to break the moment and gets a smack to the arm for his efforts. He chuckles and I can't help but smile, still staring at the wall.

"Sorry, you seem to have an uncanny ability to make me go on the defensive and start spewing whatever comes to mind."

"Really...? Haven't noticed..." I pull back in time to catch a raised eyebrow and half a grin and shake my head at him.

Managing to grab my hand before I pull my upper extremities back to myself, Harm is suddenly serious again. "Promise me something, Mac."

"What?" I'm ready to promise the moon when he talks to me like that.

"If you ever... if you feel like you could use my company... would you tell me?"

I can do nothing but stare at him. Typical Rabb, once again he says something that would take me a week to understand and expects me to answer on the spot. Does he mean in general? Is he saying something more?

My hand instinctively squeezes his a bit. In an act of self-protection I answer him in the same cryptic way, though I still think mine's simpler and more revealing. "I can always use your company, Harm." That wasn't exactly laying my feelings out but it was saying something.

Judging by the expression on his face he took it like I meant to say it. I almost laugh at his predicament as he finds he can't take a step in any direction without actually saying something obligating.

"Mac I-" I hold my breath, this is it. But he doesn't continue that thought. Instead he brings our hands up and places his lips against mine in a soft caress. His eyes meet mine over them. "Are you sure you won't grow tired of me?" He says quietly into my skin.

My face breaks into a smile. I knew somehow that this wouldn't be some declaration of love, though I hoped, but he still managed to say something right. And my head is giving him the affirmative answer he was looking for.

He draws me in for another hug, this one with the characteristics of a caress, unlike the earlier hanging-onto-your-lifeline kind of hug. I feel his lips touching the skin of my throat ever so slightly and a shiver runs all the way along my spine, followed and calmed immediately by his strong hand down my back.

I don't want to let go but he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, and makes me thrilled I didn't object.

I can't take the electricity anymore, I think I'm reading the signals right, I could just-

I think it was me that brought our lips together but I can't be sure, nor do I care. Is this really happening or have I fallen asleep while watching TV?

The gentle touch becomes an exploratory mission on Harm's behalf and awareness floods my system. I've seen him kiss a few girlfriends in the time I've known him. Can't say there was a time I hadn't wondered what it would be like to be on the receiving end of such a kiss. When he didn't know he was being watched he always seemed to pour a whole lot into those kisses. Oh boy, I wasn't prepared for such an injection.

Gathering confidence as he goes, he's slowly but surely pulling my heart out my throat. Oh, Harm, why did it take us so long? Why all the misunderstandings and hiding the truth?

I feel him pull back from the kiss and let him, sighing deeply when the opportunity to breathe presents itself. I don't know how but some residual tears found their way to my skin. Harm with his excellent sight notices immediately and wipes them tenderly away.

"Hey, no more crying, ninja-girl." He whispers and I give a damp chuckle.

"I'll do my best... but what if a few tears escape?" I look at him, once again asking more than the words expressed. I know I shouldn't be asking for more right now. Getting this far is a miracle in and of itself considering we haven't said anything outright at all, but I need a little more reassurance. His slow smile calms me – I'm going to get it.

"I'll be here to wipe them away."

As if ready to test his sincerity, as I close my eyes with relief, a drop loosens from a lash. True to his word, Harm absorbed the tear into the pad of his thumb. I smile warmly at his open expression. He might be cryptic to a fault, but if you just know how to read him he's spelling it all out.

I guess I can trust him, I muse to myself. Oh, who am I kidding, I trust him with my life as well as my heart. It's a sound investment, after all, he never makes promises he can't keep.

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The End


End file.
